Yeah.. It's always my fault. Everything. I'm the most selfish person in the whole wide world and I'm completly fat. I should stop eating. It's always perfect to tell someone with ED that the person is totally fat.
Work more. It's like.. I don't know. When I had school, Monday to Friday I was in school, Saturday and Sunday I was at work. But of course - It's my own fault I was sick so often. I only probally was outside without a jacket, right? But sorry, now I'm selfish again. Since everythings my own fault.
I don't go to the fitness studio so often (With respect, I had my tests, but ookay.. And now I truly had a Pause but also okay). I never do anything. I just sit here in front of the computer and I don't do anything.. (I was away from friday to sunday and from wesdnesday to thursday, but also okay.)
Why do I still bother? I'm the most selfish and most fattest person I have ever seen, I have to be thin to attract everybody and how about it's also my fault that the neighbours birdy flew away. I'm sorry but why doesn't anyone just THINK for once. I said often enough that I don't want to talk about my figure (I even said something about ED!!!). I eat like freaking 400 calories a day. Why does a person, who knows you react sensible in a subject always just tells you.."You're fat." How about finding out about ED, how a person, who has ED, works and why they react sensible? Why they do certain things?
Why I am I always the bad guy? It's always the same thing, I always get told what I do wrong but whenever I start saying anything.. It's like.. "no that's not true" or.."Shut up".
Why the hell should it always be ME? Can somebody answer that? And Yes I DON'T understand! I don't understand how you can possibly ALWAYS say stuff like that to people and then they have to shut up. I'm sorry, but NOBODY is perfect, and it's not like I always get the chance to say anything.
You wonder, why you don't know anything about me. Look at you, either I get told you don't want to know anything about my life, or mostly I get told it's not a problem or you don't understand the way I react and get pissed at it.
You want to talk with me about ED? If it is that way, then fine. Look up "Eating Disorders" in the Internet. Read it, and then tell me, if you want to talk to me about it. If you think I'm lying (as I am, of course, always). Then just don't talk to me about it. Just think what you want - that I'm a fat, stupid girl, who never does anything, who should work more, do much more sport.
If you want to know about my life, then ASK. Don't know half of the situation which I'm talking about and then start with.."Oh yeah but this and that, and that in this".
If you want to know about me, then think. You think I don't have problems or what? You think, you know about my life? Sorry. No. You only know a side. You don't know, how I am to other people. You guys are seeming to be the only ones thinking me so selfish... You guys are the only ones who think I don't do anything and just sit in front the computer...
I haven't said any names, and I know that I'll probally have to pack my bags or anything when the people I mean read this.. But I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore constantly to be told that I have to do something for my weight and being told that they don't want to know anything about me or something like that. I'm tired of this feeling that EVERYTHING is always my fault. I'm not a perfect person. But you aren't either! Think about it! It's normal for humans to make mistakes, but you just can't always say that it's one persons fault alone!
I KNOW my mistakes. First of all, I do think about them. Second, I always get told what I do wrong. WHY, exactly WHY am I not aloud to tell you yours? Are you afraid? Are you afraid, because you think, you aren't aloud to make mistakes? Or do you simply think you never do anything wrong? I'm sorry. You're mistaken.
I will see if I get yelled at. I will see, if I get scolled at. I will see, if you will tell me I'm the most worst person you have ever met, but it allready seems like you think that way. I don't want to lose anything precious.. I know what I love most in the whole world. But I fear I'm going to lose her... I know I would be heartbroken, I know, that they know this now. And I know they will figure out just exactly who I mean.. But I would be heartbroken if I lose her. I know it. I grew up with her. She's one of my best friends.. Whenever I cry I can simply cry and she'll hold still. She senses, that I need her.
And I do need somebody. To talk to. To tell everything, even the shocking things. Maybe they would understand... But I don't think they want to do it. I think they'll be furious with me. I could go, but I don't want to. Why? Because I always seem to have hope that some day they'll ask me what's wrong. I always hope that I get along with people..
I simply know they will be mad. But I ask them - just once, or for the last time, to think about my words. To think, if they want to know my problems. To think, if they want to know what is wrong with me. Why I react to certain things. I beg them not to take what I love. I just would like them to THINK. And ASK. To be interested. To listen, without telling me what is my fault. To think, and to ask. To understand ME for once. My side. To understand WHY I don't do certain things. To ask WHY I don't..
Babs (20.6.08 17:07)
I know it's hard for you.. but perhaps they'll understand a bit by reading this? I'm there..