I guess I'm - finally - starting a blog, too. I've seen about a dozen of friends who have opened one, and the last couple of days I have been thinking about opening one myself. It couldn't hurt to do it, and I guess there are quite a few people who find it interesting what I write and how I write. Writing has always been a way for me to show my feelings. I'm also good at talking, but to be honest... I'm rather shy when it comes to things like my feelings. So I rather write them down, for people, who want to know or care, and whom I trust.
This Blog will be full of my emotions, opinions, good and negative experiences. People, who didn't know quite much of me get the chance to find things out, to get to know me better. But I do have to warn you - not everything I write about is positive. Life is not always fun, and I do not wish to talk only about pretty little things which make your life so easy. Life isn't always about the good things that happen to you, because also the negative things in life form you. You learn from decisions, which are wrong, and you can also learn from mistakes, which you make.
Yesterday it was raining. I love rain. I love the smell of the air before and after it was raining, I love the sound, the feeling. But rain always makes me a little melancholic, so there I was, at work, standing by the windows and asking myself a few things. In the last few months, my life has really changed. I was so down, and I got really complicated, no one really had the chance to talk to me. Finally, when I opened up, my best friend seemed to think that breaking up the contact to all of her friends was the best thing to do and left me alone with broken pieces of my soul.
Has anyone ever had the feeling, that your soul is shattered to pieces? It isn't a nice feeling, and I can tell you - You need other people to get over it. To learn how to trust others. To love them. To be friends with them. I didn't have this feeling anymore. But, there I also find another question: Why are there people, who cross our path, stay for a short while, and leave such imprints? Or why are there people, who stay with us for so long but maybe don't leave a good impression. Of course, you cannot like everyone, but why are there friends, whom you have known for the longest, but who don't know everything about you.. And why are there suddenly people there, who just show up, and where you get the feeling, that you want to share everything with them, even your darkest secrets.
Could this possibly be, what people call "Soulmates"? Because Soulmates share everything with you, they know how you feel. And finally, I have this feeling that I do want to share everything.
I don't know, the first blogentry always seems to be the hardest, that's also what other people have told me. We will see, what the next entrys bring. I'm sorry when this seems irritating, but I have to get used to this myself.Kelly
Well, lately I have been reading a lot of books. Since I like Stephenie Meyer a lot - who is actually one of my favourite authors - my sister bought me "The Host", the newest book from her.
I liked it a lot, but I liked the name of one of the Characters most - Wanderer. I guess that nickname also suits me quite well. I do like to wander - but rather with my mind. But unfortunately, like many persons, I also wander and search for things, without even knowing for what - exept when I finally find them. Did you ever get this feeling? Something is missing, but you don't know what. And you ALWAYS remember, that it's missing. It's not like it controls your life, but you always remember.
Anyways, you should - if you are interested in Sci-Fi - read the book. It is very nice, it's not even typical Sci-Fi. I actually made a list. A couple of months ago I wanted to know how many books I have. When I had my answer, I wondered. I couldn't have read all these books? In the end, I found out that I had about.. 90 books which I haven't read at all! Of course, right know, I'm trying to read all of them. I allready went down from 90 to about 68. When ever I had free time, I had a book in my hand. And I'm still reading - right now a book from a fantasy new-comer, as it seems. His name is David Wellington. Has anybody heard of him? The books name is Monster Island.
I started the ones, which sounded boring first, but I think you should read the ones that sound good, first. Your faster in reading them.
Well, back to the wandering. I guess every person has SOMETHING which they need, what they want, or what they would like to have. To be honest, I used to rather think that I'd be happier with my books. I don't mean that in a way, that I don't need friends - everyone needs a friend, and I do have quite a few whom I care for. They are very important to me - but I almost never talk to them, when I have problems. I rather sit in front of my books, trying to forget the problem, or I think about the problem and try to solve it myself. But, every friend of mine knows that they can always call me - even in the middle of the night. They know, that I'll listen to them and try to help them, even if I speak so little about my own thoughts. I could believe that a wandering soul always tries to find a solution - it does not matter what kind of situation it is.
But, to be honest, it's very irritating when you finally found what you were searching for. It's a new kind of feeling you get, and that makes me rather shy. Funny, isn't it? I guess I have to learn how to finally open myself up, and open my mouth.
To mention something else - I got the date for my very last test today. If I take this test, and get a good grade, I can finally study at a University. I'm even thinking about doing that in a other country - but I rather think that I'll study in Germany and after that - maybe move to a other Country. I can't believe I got that far, and the year passed so quickly. I had no feeling of time at all. I don't even understand how I did all that - going to school from Monday to Friday, and working on Saturday AND Sunday. I'll also probaly get a other job, I also called about 12 bookshops allready - nothing. We will see, maybe I'll find something. I knew from the get go I wouldn't stick to this job forever, and even though it would be sad to leave the friends I have made, it will also be an adventure to do something new.
I also have to work today. But today, I don't really want to work, to be honest. It's so hot over here, who would eat warm food with this kind of weather? They should rather go outside or swim or do anything than eating that junk food at a day like this. But we'll see, maybe it won't be as packed as I expect it to be.
See you around!
Today I feel a little depressed. For a few days now, someone who is important to me wasn't online. Well, okay, on Sunday the Person was online, but constantly on away, and didn't answer, either. Clumsy, or rather stupid as I am, of course I think it's my fault.
I don't even know WHY I think that way. On Wednesday, everything was fine, why should this Person now be pissed off at me, or not want to talk to me? Even if it would be this way, I do think this person would tell me, and I now it's unfair to feel like that. Unfair toward the person. Has anyone ever had the same feeling? I just now that I feel depressed, because I wanted to talk to that person very badly, and now something like this happens. It's always the same - as soon as something like this happens, and they actually do have a good reason (mostly...), why they were offline or anything I feel so unsure of myself. Have I been doing anything wrong? Or did I say anything? Did anything happen? I don't know how to stop that, but I do know, that I depress myself with thoughts like that. It should either be "Okay, well, if they don't want to talk to you, that's their goddamn problem" or "Oh well, they don't want to talk to me, that's fine". But of course, it's never that easy.
It's been actually almost a week now, since I've been talking to that special person and I can't even call because I don't have a phone number and well, the person lives in a other city.. About what? Over 100 km away from here. Nice. So there I sit and I can only wait and anyone who knows me also knows that I hate waiting quite as much as I hate math (which is... a lot?). I'm as restless as my cat, you can say. I just can't sit still for three minutes. Everytime the stupid phone rings I hope he went to his neighbours and is calling - but noooo, it's not him, it's someone else. Not even reading keeps me still for an hour or two. Friends can't do that, either. Which is rather sad, because a friend of mine wanted to meet me today, but I have to work tomorrow so I can't spend the night at her house. She also lives in a other town. Nice, huh? And I can't always ask her to come to my house, that must be going on her nerves, too.
I still wonder, why there are people who can change everything in such a short time. I mean, you do something for years, or you have the same feeling for years, or whatever, and then suddenly someone is there and your lifes changes in such short time, that you first notice, when either the person is gone, something happened or when other people tell you that you've changed quite a lot.
And I did change. When I still had a relationship with my exboyfriend, I remember being addicted, always trying to talk to him. Here, well I first started being depressed after he went on, and then back off. Also, I never said when something is wrong. Here, I even wrote an email telling what I was thinking (but I didn't get a answer yet). You could say I used to be one of these girls who would do everything her boyfriends says and doesn't have an own opinion. Now ... I will surely not let them tell me what to day, what to say or even think. After I broke up with my ex, and he did all kinds of nice things.. (like meeting me, telling me he doesn't now what he feels, and then four weeks later.. "Oh yeah, well, I fell in love with someone else" - Screw you), I'm sick and tired of things like that.
I'm so sick of waiting. I guess I'll read yet again and I'll try to read for hours if I can. Tomorrow, I'm working all day, so I will probally not have a chance to think about anything (at least that's what I hope). Maybe I'll even write another blog entry later, who knows? Depends on how I'm feeling, I guess.
So...See ya for now!
I feel much better today. Yesterday I finished the book "Monster Island". It was okay, but it was in Germany and through amazon.de I found out that was the first part of I think a trilogy. Wonderful, now I have to wait until Part 2 is out in german. So now I started the book "Ancestors of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley. Since I read "Mists of Avalon", she turned out to be one of my favourite authors. I like the way she writes about strong women, women, who aren't scared to do something in a world where usually men rule. When I was in still in school, I always met girls, who were sticking to their idea of emancipation. But whenever it came to carry heavy things, or do something, what usually guys do, they suddenly came up with sentences like... "I'm a woman, that's too heavy." or "I'm female, you can't possibly think that I will do something like THAT." People, if you are into emancipation and think about woman rights, why the hell do you make yourself so weak when it comes into carrying heavy things? That's really kind of strange, you know.
Also, I have been listening a lot to Emilie Autumn lately. I like her music a lot, and she has many songs in which her lyrics fit perfectly to me. You see, through listening to songs that I like you mostly can learn quite a lot about me - not, that anybody has ever tried that. Who would listen to a million songs I like, and listen to all the lyrics, just to find out, who I am? That's easy and hard at the same time - too many songs to listen to, and so easy and boring to get to know me quite that fast. But still, I will sometimes try to post some songs. Maybe it gives you something to think about.
Another thing I would like to talk about is mobbing. A few days ago, a friend and I have been talking about mobbing. I don't think that she ever got mobbed, but I did get mobbed for about 8 years in school, and now her cousin has the same problem. Like me, he didn't really want to follow the mainstream, but just be himself. Well, what he got for it, was being mobbed. I can't understand people like that. I have been mobbed for my clothestyle and because of the music I listen to. Isn't that kind of childish? I mean, okay, most people listen to Hip Hop and R 'n' B, and I don't like it either, but do I mob other people about their music style?
I wouldn't even say that I'm goth, punk, or whatever. I listen to too many different types of songs, Oldies, Punk, Rock, Metal, Gothic, Industrial, House - can possibly anyone tell me what I am? I can't, I won't. I would even rather say I am just me, sadly, many teens in Germany seem to think you're a satanist as soon as you listen to Metal and Gothic. I mean, okay. It's not like I think you should be interested in things like Gothic or anything, I don't force people to listen to my music but calling me a satanist is rather poor, don't you think? You know, you should first get to know people, before you make up your mind. You don't have to like everyone, but not everyone is a satanist for wearing black. A other example: In the street, where I live, there is a other guy. I have a bag with a black cat on it. Guess what. "Everyone who has a cat on their bag HAS to be a satanist." and after a minute... "Satanists cut up cats and children" Okay.. WAIT A MINUTE. I have a cat at home - been having her for 11 years now. I never slashed my cat, or any other animal - but of course, he wouldn't care. AND. I thought satanists all have cats on their bag, where is the logic in killing them for rituals then? Maybe I don't really understand him, or is he just really stupid? Guys, not everyone who listens to Metal Bands or Gothic Bands - or whatever, is a damn Satanist! INFORM yourself, before accusing someone being a Satanist.
Teens in Germany.. O gosh, this is a topic where I could roll my eyes all day. At work, I get to know some of the nicest teens - but also some of the worst. But every person is different, I guess. But teens are really bad when it get's to mobbing. Either you are like everyone else, or you are a nobody. At least at the German "Hauptschule" and the "Realschule" - I guess something like Junior High in America. The last two years, I was in a more or less good class. At least, everyone exepted each other without bitching each other out. Exept.. for one. But that's something I won't talk about.
I can't tell you why the last week has been dreadful, but today, I had a pretty frustrating day again! I feel like I want to move to an other country, just, so that I can either start new or at least that someone starts missing me or something like that. A friend and I wanted to make a birthday party. She's one year younger than I am, and her birthday was in May. Now, my Birthday is coming up, but we wanted to make a birthday party for us both together. Everything was fine and halfway planned, and I allready made a little list about people who I wanted to come. Now, some people know, that I have friends who listen to all different types of music, who watch all kinds of movies, or to call it this way: Of course everyone of my friends - and family is special and have special talents or just do other things. You could say that my friends are all just different, which is fine, it would be boring if everyone would be the same. Here it goes.. "No, I don't want that person around, she would probally not fit into the Party, and we all have to understand each other." Uhm.. Excuse me? This is also my Birthday Party, since when do I only have to invite people who fit into her style of Partys? She tells me she doesn't like one person, well that's fine with me, but she could at least tolerate that person at the Party. I also told her to invite her friends, or people she knows, but no. Only MY people wanted to come, and I wondered why. Surely, she will know some people? Next thing I know, I don't want to make a birthday party with her anymore. Why? Because of the way she reacted. And THEN she wonders, why I get pissed off.
"You shouldn't have been so mean, it's your job as a friend to give me advice." Hello? We where talking about a FAMILY member she didn't want over. Nobody seems to freaking understand just HOW close my sister and I are, could that be? How the hell should I give a person advice, who tells me she doesn't want my sister or her husband over, because he has problems talking german and because she "doesn't fit into the party". Have you ever had a Party with people you don't like? If yes, did you at least tolerate them? I mean, you don't have to talk to them, and you don't have to like every person in the world, but we are really talking about my sister here. Now she wonders why I am pissed off, thinks it's all my fault that I ruined everything (I'm sorry to say that she often, very often only wants things her way, if not.. were busted.)
And today, I also get told I should just move to the USA with my sister, it would be the best for all of and there would finally be no one to go on people nerves. Thank you very much. And then people wonder why I want to move out or give sarcastic or aggressive answers. But of course - that's my fault, too. As everything else in this freaking world. I'm tired of this. But I don't have anyone, in who's appartment I could move, or who has enough money to share a appartment. I should stay in my room day and night, I bet that would be the best. I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of constantly being told that everything is my fault, or that people give me this feeling. I'm tired of people treating me like a five year old, even though they are younger than I am, and I would not say that I'm so stupid that they have a reason to treat me that way. Also, I'm tired of friends calling themselves best friends and then ignore me because they had a fight with someone I also know and don't "want to be reminded of that person". Well yeah great, you called yourself best friend! And when I needed you the most, you just weren't there, you told me you don't have time for me, you ignored me and then I found out that just five minutes after I told you that I need you because I don't feel well you just went watching a movie. You consider yourself a friend? This is NOT what a friend does, and who know that.
I know that my other friend (the other Birthday Girl) and I will talk again anyways, but for now, I'm just pissed off that yet again she's trying to make me feel guilty for everything. It won't work this time! And what should I say? I will not lie to her, and friendship is also about telling the truth - even if it's not that positive. You can't just always hang around people without having a fight sometimes. I mean okay, I also make mistakes, I am NOT perfect, and I will never be, I also have times where I shout my mouth even though something pisses me off, but this time? Nope.
As always, I will sit down and read, because right now, nobody is online, and the others have something to do. So I can't call them. And tomorrow I have to work - yippie...