So, right now, I'm back. I needed a break for the last few weeks, I haven't been feeling too well, but right now, I feel fine, except that I have to work quite a lot and the job is not very easy.
I'm happy when I'll find a new one, maybe one of the bookshops which I asked two months ago need new people now - we'll see. It would be an Opportunity to earn more money.
I had a couple of problems with my boss, I also have some problems in private live, but I know myself - The little warrior, who will stand up and fight. This time, it happened even faster than I thought, and I only want to say a last few words to someone who can just leave my life:
Aren't you ashamed of yourself? You know, if I would have known about the other girl earlier, I would have send you right into the desert allready, and not now, now, where the damage has been done. SHE doesn't know anything about it, but I would quite love to tell her what a jerk you are! She's pregnant god damnit! And I didn't know ANYTHING about her, who told me? Your EX! Who actually still lives at your place! Who the hell are you kidding, man? I hope you won't play the girl again, damn, she's pregnant, she deserves more than something like that! Your becoming a FATHER. Take some Responsibility, you're 25, not 15!
I don't wish to talk to you again. You exactly know why, and I don't need people who lie to me, and you seemed to have done that quite a lot and very often. You know, I'd even rather talk to my ex again, at least HE did know, that he made mistakes.
And you, you just run away because your afraid of the truth! And the truth would be that YOU did something eternally wrong and absurd and I could just kick you for betraying your PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND!!!! And I will NOT help you with this crap when it comes to cheating! I am no little darling who shares, and I am certainly not going to live with the thought that there is another girl who's pregnant.
So live your life and I will live mine! I do hope, you will learn, that playing girls is not the best thing to do.
(This theme has ended, anyone who's interested, just send me a comment or something like that)
So, I let out my negative feelings.
But of course it's not really the only thing, which I wanted to talk about. A couple of days ago, I watched a little TV after work (or was it before? I don't quite remember).. Well, there he was, the pope, talking about abortion and sex and alcohol.
Everybody, who knows me, also knows that I'm critical. So there I sat, while he said that abortion is murder, and that no woman should do something like that. And I thought... Well, what about women, who got raped and get pregnant? Honestly, I admire woman, who can do it, but there are some, they just can't do it. They always think about the men, who raped them. Aren't they then aloud to just decide for themselves? Some will say, that when the baby is born it could be adopted, but just think - this woman will carry a child from her RAPER for 9 months. Is this then murder, or is it a way to save themselves from more physical stress, that they have?
Also the commercial of today. It tells us, that only slim women are sexy, pretty and worth looking at. But not every woman can be slim. Not every woman wants to be slim. What about them? Are they ugly, just because they don't follow commercials, or whatever this world wants? That's why I like the dove commercials. THEY show women, who have all kind of figures, and not only slim ones. Look at the models, look how they hunger, in order to wear clothes size 0 just to please everyone. And girls look at these models and want to look at them and stop eating, because they are scared to gain weight.
Other girls want to destroy themselves, others think they deserve it that way, and others think they don't deserve. Gosh that makes me so sad. Beautiful girls, who hunger, out of different reasons. Okay, I'm no better, but still. What is this about having to be slim? Come on people, not everyone can be a Heidi Klum. And I don't think, that every guy out there only likes slim girls.
It's not only about how you look, but also about who the hell you are. Even if you're very pretty, what use is it, if you have no brains at all? What use is it to be slim, or pretty, if you have a bad character?
We live in a world, where most people think that the looks count the most, and forget over these things, that it's the character that make people, and not only make-up, clothes, or looks. It's rather sad to see something like that.
Yeah.. It's always my fault. Everything. I'm the most selfish person in the whole wide world and I'm completly fat. I should stop eating. It's always perfect to tell someone with ED that the person is totally fat.
Work more. It's like.. I don't know. When I had school, Monday to Friday I was in school, Saturday and Sunday I was at work. But of course - It's my own fault I was sick so often. I only probally was outside without a jacket, right? But sorry, now I'm selfish again. Since everythings my own fault.
I don't go to the fitness studio so often (With respect, I had my tests, but ookay.. And now I truly had a Pause but also okay). I never do anything. I just sit here in front of the computer and I don't do anything.. (I was away from friday to sunday and from wesdnesday to thursday, but also okay.)
Why do I still bother? I'm the most selfish and most fattest person I have ever seen, I have to be thin to attract everybody and how about it's also my fault that the neighbours birdy flew away. I'm sorry but why doesn't anyone just THINK for once. I said often enough that I don't want to talk about my figure (I even said something about ED!!!). I eat like freaking 400 calories a day. Why does a person, who knows you react sensible in a subject always just tells you.."You're fat." How about finding out about ED, how a person, who has ED, works and why they react sensible? Why they do certain things?
Why I am I always the bad guy? It's always the same thing, I always get told what I do wrong but whenever I start saying anything.. It's like.. "no that's not true" or.."Shut up".
Why the hell should it always be ME? Can somebody answer that? And Yes I DON'T understand! I don't understand how you can possibly ALWAYS say stuff like that to people and then they have to shut up. I'm sorry, but NOBODY is perfect, and it's not like I always get the chance to say anything.
You wonder, why you don't know anything about me. Look at you, either I get told you don't want to know anything about my life, or mostly I get told it's not a problem or you don't understand the way I react and get pissed at it.
You want to talk with me about ED? If it is that way, then fine. Look up "Eating Disorders" in the Internet. Read it, and then tell me, if you want to talk to me about it. If you think I'm lying (as I am, of course, always). Then just don't talk to me about it. Just think what you want - that I'm a fat, stupid girl, who never does anything, who should work more, do much more sport.
If you want to know about my life, then ASK. Don't know half of the situation which I'm talking about and then start with.."Oh yeah but this and that, and that in this".
If you want to know about me, then think. You think I don't have problems or what? You think, you know about my life? Sorry. No. You only know a side. You don't know, how I am to other people. You guys are seeming to be the only ones thinking me so selfish... You guys are the only ones who think I don't do anything and just sit in front the computer...
I haven't said any names, and I know that I'll probally have to pack my bags or anything when the people I mean read this.. But I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore constantly to be told that I have to do something for my weight and being told that they don't want to know anything about me or something like that. I'm tired of this feeling that EVERYTHING is always my fault. I'm not a perfect person. But you aren't either! Think about it! It's normal for humans to make mistakes, but you just can't always say that it's one persons fault alone!
I KNOW my mistakes. First of all, I do think about them. Second, I always get told what I do wrong. WHY, exactly WHY am I not aloud to tell you yours? Are you afraid? Are you afraid, because you think, you aren't aloud to make mistakes? Or do you simply think you never do anything wrong? I'm sorry. You're mistaken.
I will see if I get yelled at. I will see, if I get scolled at. I will see, if you will tell me I'm the most worst person you have ever met, but it allready seems like you think that way. I don't want to lose anything precious.. I know what I love most in the whole world. But I fear I'm going to lose her... I know I would be heartbroken, I know, that they know this now. And I know they will figure out just exactly who I mean.. But I would be heartbroken if I lose her. I know it. I grew up with her. She's one of my best friends.. Whenever I cry I can simply cry and she'll hold still. She senses, that I need her.
And I do need somebody. To talk to. To tell everything, even the shocking things. Maybe they would understand... But I don't think they want to do it. I think they'll be furious with me. I could go, but I don't want to. Why? Because I always seem to have hope that some day they'll ask me what's wrong. I always hope that I get along with people..
I simply know they will be mad. But I ask them - just once, or for the last time, to think about my words. To think, if they want to know my problems. To think, if they want to know what is wrong with me. Why I react to certain things. I beg them not to take what I love. I just would like them to THINK. And ASK. To be interested. To listen, without telling me what is my fault. To think, and to ask. To understand ME for once. My side. To understand WHY I don't do certain things. To ask WHY I don't..
I'm back from the weekend. In the End, we turned out to be four. Three people told me they have no time, no money, or that she doesn't want to come. But that was okay, we still had fun. On Friday me and my friend ended up drunk, sitting on a playground and me telling her about my feelings and everything.. It was nice to tell what makes me scared about falling in Love again and what I would like to know, or else - I would like to know what he thinks. I guess, I will find out soon enough.
Saturday we watched a lot of movies - we even watched kids movies The Goonies, The One with Jet Li, Salems Lot (which freaked me out at some parts.. Like the children crawling around in that bus), The little Rascals. On Friday we watched The Last Unicorn and another movie, but I can't remember the Name. We also grilled on saturday, even though it rained. We did have some fun. At night I was a little depressed, to be honest, but then I went to bed "early" and I slept through till morning. Didn't want to have the chance to think negative things, or to think about anything.
So this morning, my friend had to leave early, because she's going to a concert today. I was home at about One p.m., but I didn't feel well, so I just stayed at home and waited to feel better. I just had to much to drink on friday, in a very short periode of time. It took us only 45 minutes to drink almost everything what we had, so there's probally still alcohol in my blood or at least it's still so strong that I get the feeling that I'm sick or something. I'll probally go to bed soon and just try to sleep through or something like that. But really, all in all my weekend was fine, even fun. Better then I expected.
Tomorrow or tuesday I'll probally have to work a few hours but I'll manage. IF he comes to frankfurt on tuesday, he either has to wait or he has to do something else while I'm at work. I don't know the plan for next week yet, since I had the weekend off.
Which is rather funny because they called me friday, saturday AND sunday asking if I want to work. Once they even pissed me off.. "I wanted to ask if you can work" "Yeah well I'm off, I have something to do.." "Oh ok. You want to work in the morning, or in the evening?" wtf? Didn't I just say that I'm off? And I'm like "yeah well all day" and he gets pissed off and just hangs up. Yeah well sorry, if I want to work, I woudln't take the days off. I wonder, if they ever even think logically ONCE.
But Oh well. Sunday, rather today, I told one of my favourite "bosses" nicely that I was off and it was okay for her, she had no problem. But geez - I am soo tired ^^
Today I also registered in a new forum. I hope to learn about a few things and seek to do some things better, and the forum could be a possibility to do so.
Also, I wanted to say that you can feel free to post a comment, I'd be happy about it!
Well.... Good Night!
Bad news for me:
I feel like my birthday is ruined. Well, Yesterday was okay, I got a T-shirt and my parents are going to buy me a bigger bookshelf (Yet again the Bookshelf is full...), but: One person can't come to the weekend party and the other one doesn't want to come (The girl whom I had a fight with). The second one isn't as bad, it's her own fault.. But number one! Man I was so happy that he wanted to come, and then he told me he can't make it. I was so damn sad, you wouldn't believe it. Now he told me he's coming tuesday, or at least, that he wants to come over on tuesday.. But I don't want to believe it! I don't want to be disappointed again, so I will just not believe it until he is either standing right in front of my nose or not.. So then I won't be so disappointed if he can't show up again...
Right now, I'm not in the mood to party at all, to be honest. This situation with my friend (right now, I don't even know if I should call her that) is going on my nerves. Our "dear" Miss came over yesterday, and after that we went to a friends house. Well, she does not like that person, but she still came along (It's not like anyone has forced her to!). Next thing you know, she rolls her eyes. Why? Because she thinks she's such a smart little girl that she thinks she knows everything of the world. She even told me she thinks she knows more about life then me. Well, that's her opinion. But then she shouldn't wonder, why I don't like talking to her about things that I go through or what happens in my life. I don't need people who don't know me really good and then judge that they know more, or that they are stronger, or that they made more negative experiences than I have, or even good ones. You know, it's a difference to say that if you know somebody. If you don't know someone that good, you shouldn't say crap like that. And she knows that if she keeps it up, she someday will lose everything, since she's like that to every freaking person she meets.
I guess I still won't disappoint my sister and make a party at her house, like it or not. I'll just watch stupid movies and try not to think about him and that I won't get to see him. Stupid movies are good enough if you don't want to think about something. It's like your head is empty and I feel like I need that.
So much for my birthday, hm? And I ask myself, why me? The last year was bad enough, most people knew it, and I still think that it's going upwards again. But why do people always put stones in the way? I know it's never easy, it just can't always be easy, but why not sometimes. Why never just sometimes?