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Birthday, Birthday Party & other things..


 Sooo... Tommorow is my birthday. I wonder who will remember, and who will forget about it. Well, I will see. So.. There is also news about the "Birthday Party". I choose a place, which is actually open to public. So not a garden or anything, just a open place with benches, tables and grills which are standing for your personal use. So of course, the girl who still wants to have the birthday party in her garden is pissed off. But to be honest, I don't really care right now. She always thinks everything is running her way, and this time it won't be that way. I'm tired of always following her rules without uttering any protest. Now I did, and now she's mad at me. Well, so sorry. Too bad.

We will also see, if he will tell me if he shows up or not, and when. I guess, since he's at his brothers house, he and his brother of course spend a lot of time. We will see.. If there's no answer, then I guess he won't come or he'll come at the very last minute, who knows.

 Hm. I almost forgot... I CAN STUDY AT A UNIVERSITY NOW! I passed the Test! I'm so happy, this is really good!

1 Kommentar 11.6.08 17:59, kommentieren

Yesterday and Today


 Yesterday and today was pretty nice. Yesterday we went for a bike ride and rode our bike for over 32 km. I forgot my cap so the sun was a little to much for me, but that didn't matter - I had a lot of fun.

So after that we went to a restaurant and watched the EM soccer game. Germany won, and it was pretty loud when they made their first goal. But then I got asked if I was depressive. Sorry, if some seem to think that way, but no, I'm not. It just happened to be that the last few months weren't working very well for me, but right now it's going upwards. Also, everybody has sometimes a fight with a friend, or misses someone. I'm only talking about my thoughts on this blog, and it's like real life - Life isn't always sunny and about fairys. I just happen to be one of those persons, who talk about it and not always only about the sunshine. There are many things, which I have allready seen or what happened to me. And I had the feeling, that I should share those emotions & the situations. So please, don't worry! I'm not unhappy every day, or anything. That would really suck - I just THINK a lot, and I need something to write that down. I only wanted to SHARE it with someone, so that maybe some people also think about what I am writing about!

So today, I went to pick strawberrys. We got about 4,2 kg, which should be about 8 pounds of Strawberrys. Mum doesn't know what to do with all the strawberrys, but allready almost everyone has eaten some. I think they'll be gone in no time. It also only took us about an hour. We wanted to stop earlier, but we always saw more and more delicious looking strawberrys. Who could say no to that? Anyways, I will also buy some new clothes today. I need more pants and maybe I'll get a shirt or two. I hope I'll find something, it always takes me hours until I get something that I like or what suits me. I found a nice dress at the PX in Wiesbaden, but it was like... 34 $. Way too much for me, since I still had to buy stuff for the guests on friday, saturday AND sunday. I almost have no money anymore. I hope I can still buy SOME things. Or else, yet again, I have to get money from my savings.

Tomorrow I have my test - I think I'll make it. I just have to make it, it's pretty important for me. So everyone, wish me luck! I'll tell you if I passed or not, they'll tell me about half an hour after the test is finished.  

1 Kommentar 9.6.08 14:05, kommentieren

7.6.08 11:07, kommentieren

Frustrating Day!


I can't tell you why the last week has been dreadful, but today, I had a pretty frustrating day again! I feel like I want to move to an other country, just, so that I can either start new or at least that someone starts missing me or something like that. A friend and I wanted to make a birthday party. She's one year younger than I am, and her birthday was in May. Now, my Birthday is coming up, but we wanted to make a birthday party for us both together. Everything was fine and halfway planned, and I allready made a little list about people who I wanted to come. Now, some people know, that I have friends who listen to all different types of music, who watch all kinds of movies, or to call it this way: Of course everyone of my friends - and family is special and have special talents or just do other things. You could say that my friends are all just different, which is fine, it would be boring if everyone would be the same. Here it goes.. "No, I don't want that person around, she would probally not fit into the Party, and we all have to understand each other." Uhm.. Excuse me? This is also my Birthday Party, since when do I only have to invite people who fit into her style of Partys? She tells me she doesn't like one person, well that's fine with me, but she could at least tolerate that person at the Party. I also told her to invite her friends, or people she knows, but no. Only MY people wanted to come, and I wondered why. Surely, she will know some people? Next thing I know, I don't want to make a birthday party with her anymore. Why? Because of the way she reacted. And THEN she wonders, why I get pissed off.

"You shouldn't have been so mean, it's your job as a friend to give me advice." Hello? We where talking about a FAMILY member she didn't want over. Nobody seems to freaking understand just HOW close my sister and I are, could that be? How the hell should I give a person advice, who tells me she doesn't want my sister or her husband over, because he has problems talking german and because she "doesn't fit into the party". Have you ever had a Party with people you don't like? If yes, did you at least tolerate them? I mean, you don't have to talk to them, and you don't have to like every person in the world, but we are really talking about my sister here. Now she wonders why I am pissed off, thinks it's all my fault that I ruined everything (I'm sorry to say that she often, very often only wants things her way, if not.. were busted.)

And today, I also get told I should just move to the USA with my sister, it would be the best for all of and there would finally be no one to go on people nerves. Thank you very much. And then people wonder why I want to move out or give sarcastic or aggressive answers. But of course - that's my fault, too. As everything else in this freaking world. I'm tired of this. But I don't have anyone, in who's appartment I could move, or who has enough money to share a appartment.  I should stay in my room day and night, I bet that would be the best. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of constantly being told that everything is my fault, or that people give me this feeling. I'm tired of people treating me like a five year old, even though they are younger than I am, and I would not say that I'm so stupid that they have a reason to treat me that way. Also, I'm tired of friends calling themselves best friends and then ignore me because they had a fight with someone I also know and don't "want to be reminded of that person". Well yeah great, you called yourself best friend! And when I needed you the most, you just weren't there, you told me you don't have time for me, you ignored me and then I found out that just five minutes after I told you that I need you because I don't feel well you just went watching a movie. You consider yourself a friend? This is NOT what a friend does, and who know that.

I know that my other friend (the other Birthday Girl) and I will talk again anyways, but for now, I'm just pissed off that yet again she's trying to make me feel guilty for everything. It won't work this time! And what should I say? I will not lie to her, and friendship is also about telling the truth - even if it's not that positive. You can't just always hang around people without having a fight sometimes. I mean okay, I also make mistakes, I am NOT perfect, and I will never be, I also have times where I shout my mouth even though something pisses me off, but this time? Nope. 

As always, I will sit down and read, because right now, nobody is online, and the others have something to do. So I can't call them. And tomorrow I have to work - yippie...  

6.6.08 22:51, kommentieren


I feel much better today. Yesterday I finished the book "Monster Island". It was okay, but it was in Germany and through amazon.de I found out that was the first part of I think a trilogy. Wonderful, now I have to wait until Part 2 is out in german. So now I started the book "Ancestors of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley. Since I read "Mists of Avalon", she turned out to be one of my favourite authors. I like the way she writes about strong women, women, who aren't scared to do something in a world where usually men rule. When I was in still in school, I always met girls, who were sticking to their idea of emancipation. But whenever it came to carry heavy things, or do something, what usually guys do, they suddenly came up with sentences like... "I'm a woman, that's too heavy." or "I'm female, you can't possibly think that I will do something like THAT." People, if you are into emancipation and think about woman rights, why the hell do you make yourself so weak when it comes into carrying heavy things? That's really kind of strange, you know.

 Also, I have been listening a lot to Emilie Autumn lately. I like her music a lot, and she has many songs in which her lyrics fit perfectly to me. You see, through listening to songs that I like you mostly can learn quite a lot about me - not, that anybody has ever tried that. Who would listen to a million songs I like, and listen to all the lyrics, just to find out, who I am? That's easy and hard at the same time - too many songs to listen to, and so easy and boring to get to know me quite that fast. But still, I will sometimes try to post some songs. Maybe it gives you something to think about.

Another thing I would like to talk about is mobbing. A few days ago, a friend and I have been talking about mobbing. I don't think that she ever got mobbed, but I did get mobbed for about 8 years in school, and now her cousin has the same problem. Like me, he didn't really want to follow the mainstream, but just be himself. Well, what he got for it, was being mobbed. I can't understand people like that. I have been mobbed for my clothestyle and because of the music I listen to. Isn't that kind of childish? I mean, okay, most people listen to Hip Hop and R 'n' B, and I don't like it either, but do I mob other people about their music style?

I wouldn't even say that I'm goth, punk, or whatever. I listen to too many different types of songs, Oldies, Punk, Rock, Metal, Gothic, Industrial, House - can possibly anyone tell me what I am? I can't, I won't. I would even rather say I am just me, sadly, many teens in Germany seem to think you're a satanist as soon as you listen to Metal and Gothic. I mean, okay. It's not like I think you should be interested in things like Gothic or anything, I don't force people to listen to my music but calling me a satanist is rather poor, don't you think? You know, you should first get to know people, before you make up your mind. You don't have to like everyone, but not everyone is a satanist for wearing black. A other example: In the street, where I live, there is a other guy. I have a bag with a black cat on it. Guess what. "Everyone who has a cat on their bag HAS to be a satanist." and after a minute... "Satanists cut up cats and children" Okay.. WAIT A MINUTE. I have a cat at home - been having her for 11 years now. I never slashed my cat, or any other animal - but of course, he wouldn't care. AND. I thought satanists all have cats on their bag, where is the logic in killing them for rituals then? Maybe I don't really understand him, or is he just really stupid?  Guys, not everyone who listens to Metal Bands or Gothic Bands - or whatever, is a damn Satanist! INFORM yourself, before accusing someone being a Satanist.

Teens in Germany.. O gosh, this is a topic where I could roll my eyes all day. At work, I get to know some of the nicest teens - but also some of the worst.  But every person is different, I guess. But teens are really bad when it get's to mobbing. Either you are like everyone else, or you are a nobody. At least at the German "Hauptschule" and the "Realschule" - I guess something like Junior High in America. The last two years, I was in a more or less good class. At least, everyone exepted each other without bitching each other out. Exept.. for one. But that's something I won't talk about.

1 Kommentar 5.6.08 13:54, kommentieren

depressing feelings


 Today I feel a little depressed. For a few days now, someone who is important to me wasn't online. Well, okay, on Sunday the Person was online, but constantly on away, and didn't answer, either. Clumsy, or rather stupid as I am, of course I think it's my fault.

I don't even know WHY I think that way. On Wednesday, everything was fine, why should this Person now be pissed off at me, or not want to talk to me? Even if it would be this way, I do think this person would tell me, and I now it's unfair to feel like that. Unfair toward the person. Has anyone ever had the same feeling? I just now that I feel depressed, because I wanted to talk to that person very badly, and now something like this happens. It's always the same - as soon as something like this happens, and they actually do have a good reason (mostly...), why they were offline or anything I feel so unsure of myself. Have I been doing anything wrong? Or did I say anything? Did anything happen? I don't know how to stop that, but I do know, that I depress myself with thoughts like that. It should either be "Okay, well, if they don't want to talk to you, that's their goddamn problem" or "Oh well, they don't want to talk to me, that's fine". But of course, it's never that easy.

It's been actually almost a week now, since I've been talking to that special person and I can't even call because I don't have a phone number and well, the person lives in a other city.. About what? Over 100 km away from here. Nice. So there I sit and I can only wait and anyone who knows me also knows that I hate waiting quite as much as I hate math (which is... a lot?). I'm as restless as my cat, you can say. I just can't sit still for three minutes. Everytime the stupid phone rings I hope he went to his neighbours and is calling - but noooo, it's not him, it's someone else. Not even reading keeps me still for an hour or two. Friends can't do that, either. Which is rather sad, because a friend of mine wanted to meet me today, but I have to work tomorrow so I can't spend the night at her house. She also lives in a other town. Nice, huh? And I can't always ask her to come to my house, that must be going on her nerves, too.

I still wonder, why there are people who can change everything in such a short time. I mean, you do something for years, or you have the same feeling for years, or whatever, and then suddenly someone is there and your lifes changes in such short time, that you first notice, when either the person is gone, something happened or when other people tell you that you've changed quite a lot.

And I did change. When I still had a relationship with my exboyfriend, I remember being addicted, always trying to talk to him. Here, well I first started being depressed after he went on, and then back off. Also, I never said when something is wrong. Here, I even wrote an email telling what I was thinking (but I didn't get a answer yet). You could say I used to be one of these girls who would do everything her boyfriends says and doesn't have an own opinion. Now ... I will surely not let them tell me what to day, what to say or even think. After I broke up with my ex, and he did all kinds of nice things.. (like meeting me, telling me he doesn't now what he feels, and then four weeks later.. "Oh yeah, well, I fell in love with someone else" - Screw you), I'm sick and tired of things like that.

 I'm so sick of waiting. I guess I'll read yet again and I'll try to read for hours if I can. Tomorrow, I'm working all day, so I will probally not have a chance to think about anything (at least that's what I hope). Maybe I'll even write another blog entry later, who knows? Depends on how I'm feeling, I guess.


So...See ya for now! 

1 Kommentar 3.6.08 11:32, kommentieren

A song to think about..

2.6.08 14:54, kommentieren